Dec 5, 2011 - Eight of Cups

I'm working on a ritual to Aphrodite using the Lovers Card

I asked for a card that would compliment that work or

provide a lesson in regard to that work and I was given:

Eight of Cups

So, this card has been associated with the word abandonment. I see a person who is not feeling down or dejected necessarily, but rather I see one who has made a choice. That decision comes with a price or at least a sense of unease as the cups stacked behind him show that at one point there had been order, but now that order has been upturned. He gazes at the full moon which presents an atmosphere filled with emotion.

Ok again I can't sit here and present the entire story of the Tarot and discuss every aspect of this card. The point to my little blog here is to take snippets each time I draw a card and look at it and study it throughout the week and see what it means in my world. 

At this moment I feel as though I'm being pulled away from old habits. My world has been filled with self-doubt and inner hatred of me for so long now that it represents order. All those things I say, think and do about or to myself are a way of life. They are ingrained in my personality and so the cups hold those things for me in the background. Some of them have been tipped over, spilling those old habits and ways onto the earth. The contents are gone now and so half my heart is being emptied of self-hate. There are still a few cups remaining upright and so this emotion or state of being is with me still. My mind is still filled with hatred of myself, but progress is being made toward abandoning that state.  In fact, the ritual I'm working on using the Lovers card from last week and Aphrodite are really helping with this process. It will be a continued journey toward fulfillment. I have a wonderful man who not only supports me in all I do, but joins me. he tries to understand me and even gives insight. He gives his heart to me and because of this I feel I need to lean on these old ways less and less. He makes me feel loved from the outside. I'm surrounded by it even when I act up. It is taking allot of time and a ton of emotional strength and willpower to step away from those cups behind me. Again, they still hold a place in me, but slowly they are emptying. I walk toward the moon, the fullness of love and freedom. There are some deeper tugs and nags involved in this process, but I can't flesh it all out here in one short 5 minute sitting. It's a life long journey.

Nov 28, 2011 - The Lovers

Meditation Card

I don't know why this card was drawn. Of course it creates allot of questions. Is this what I need to focus upon? Am I letting this slip? Is this what I am feeling and it manifests? Who knows at the moment. The truth of something is never revealed until one is dead because at any moment things change. Just as with the Oracle of Apollo at Delphi, one is left wondering what the riddle means. Then one may think the answer has presented itself until later when the oracle reveals itself in a different manifestation and so on. 

1. I will read what others have already written about the card.

2. I will read the imagery from this particular card in this deck. I'll concern myself with others later.

3. I will consider not only the number 6 and it's implications, but also the cards order in the tarot story.

4. I will let it be the guiding force of the day.

5. I will meditate with it. 

Nov 8, 2011 - King of Swords

With very little energy and no expectations I simply asked what should I focus on today?

King of Swords

My thoughts are focused on school and maintaining motivation to get through finals. I see someone remaining up above all the junk that can drag him down. He is floating in an area where thought and intellect are center stage. Swords denote intelligence and airy thoughts, I simply need to isolate myself from any type of distraction and focus on intellectual pursuits. This is tough because I'm ready for this quarter to end, I'm ready to take on the fight for our reptiles and I simply don't want to work on Ancient Greek and Latin today. But, if I don't I will fail and at this point I am so close to the end of the quarter that discipline and isolation from distraction must prevail. This means I have to wrap this up and get to work.

Nov 7 2011 - Page of Pentacles

Today, I'm still just looking for a simple lesson or guiding force.

Page of Pentacles

I'm cheating on this one and looking at the book. I have a general sense of him, but it's early, I'm tired and I'm sure it will all come to me more later, or not. 

In reference to the look of the card Josephine Ellershaw says this,

"Studious or academic child who enjoys studying and learning. A solid young person, methodical in his or her approach, hardworking with behaved, polite, self-disciplined, with love and respect for animals and the countryside. A solid individual, and not a party animal type. They are usually good with their hands or anything of  practical nature.  AS An Event: You should receive some good news that will bring welcome changes into your life; this may have a financial or academic connection."

Well, I'm certainly not young, but I am in college and of course I love animals. The danger here is thinking this could only be about me. On the other hand my boyfriend and I are both in college and we are waiting on some money so who knows. I will see what the day brings.

Follow up:
I'm not sure anything came of this yesterday, but who knows what will happen.

Nov. 6, 2011 - Two of cups

I sit and shuffle the cards, as I do so I say these things:

"What am I to focus on today, what is my guiding principle, what force will guide me, where should my energies lie all day today?"

I have shuffled the cards, 9 times through, thoroughly as I always do. My mind flitters to the upcoming events of the day which may involve political and legal implications, but as it does I cannot help but to think, "I really don't want to shift gears, I simply want to feel the love of my boyfriend." 

Astonishingly,  while thinking some card related to the Hermit or Justice will show up, what do I draw?

Again, the Two of Cups

Well, regardless of any guiding universal spirit or conscious being directing the cards and regardless of any skepticism or whatever, every card I draw has a purpose and always seems very much in tune with me. I can't help feeling a strong bond with my man. I keep waiting for the ground to fall out beneath me, but it never does. No matter what I do, he loves me. I feel the same about him. I always want to support him, and not just support him, but be right there in the mud with him. I never ever want to let him down. But, when I do....he is right there, still loving me and still fighting (whatever fight) with me. We are in the mud together and I couldn't be happier. I left a life of comfort and stability. I left a life where I wasn't explosively rich, but I always had hundreds to a few thousand dollars at my disposal. If I wanted something, I bought it. I spent thousands at Christmas time (which was a holiday that meant nothing to me except getting to spend lots of money). I left that to live day by day each moment wondering if we might lose a car or our home, wondering if we will have enough food or when the electric might get shut off. I live in debt where there was little before. In that previous life I was miserable. Now, I'm blissfully happy in love. And, yes the cynic in me says, well It can't last forever. But, the love and safety I feel here on the fringe of loss is incomparable to anything I can fathom. And, so I tell that cynic voice, "Fine, maybe everything will fall apart someday, but for now I am going to relax, I am going to allow myself to be happy for once, I am going to lie in a warm watery place (haha cups reference) floating heavily (get that one) in a trance of love. (ooooohhh how very silly you are, how ridiculous you sound, silly silly girl) Yep, and for now I'm fine with that and I love it. 

Nov 5 2011 - 2 of cups

This was a simple draw to find something to focus on for the day.

Two of Cups

This card is often considered one of the "lovers" cards. Clearly, that is evident in the man and woman pictured here as well as the emotional sway evidenced by water which is an inherent feature of cups. There is, of course, more than simple relationship bonding involved here. This particular deck does provide for more than a man - woman relationship as the man presented is somewhat androgynous in appearance. Yet, the masculine features are still presented. The concept of Yin Yang is highlighted as are the ideas of duality, partnership and relationship. So much more is being left out of many translations which elude to business pairings, simple friendships, etc. 

However, those things aren't of my primary concern today. When they are I will focus on them. I feel that today's draw of the 2 of cups is indeed speaking to my personal relationship with my man. We have a loving give and give more type of relationship, I feel he's always giving and I'm always willing to receive. I guess I give him something or he wouldn't stick around. There are a dozen different ideas and lessons to work with on this card, but for me, for today, I will focus on nurturing our mutual loving bond and respect. The two in the card are looking directly at each other, meeting one another on equal footing. I will focus on meeting my man as equally as possible in all things and when I am weak, he picks up the slack. When he needs me, I will be there for him just as well. 

As a follow up , I'm writing this the next day and I must say that I feel so much in love. I have been married before, but was never there for actual love. This man has rescued me. He is perfect in every way. This is not coming from blinders, but truth. My conception of perfection is probably different from that of most other people's idea of it. The common social thread for those who want to stop aspiring to improve hinges on the fact that in reality, "Nobody is perfect."  And, with that same thought in mind, I can say he is my idea of perfection. He looks at me with love, sometimes confusion and frustration, but always with love. When I act stupid, he still loves me. When I am mean, he still loves me. I hurt him with my words. I know. It comes from a place of self hatred really. It comes from mistrust as I've been treated badly in the past. Yes, the past should stay in the past, however at the same time it's made me who I am. The bitch who tormented me through school because her boyfriend liked me - she is still a part of me. The men who raped me - they are still part of me. The husband who didn't care that I was raped while he was off at boot camp, oh and I was 8 months pregnant - yeah that jerk is still part of me. The husband who didn't touch me or even talk to me on an intimate level for 6 years - is still a part of me. I wish they weren't. But, I find it hard to trust anyone, ever. I'm cynical, sarcastic and when I assume that I'm going to be hurt the defenses kick in and one of two things happens. Either, I hurt myself by reminding me and others that I'm fat, stupid, ugly and undeserving of love or even life. This turns into thoughts of wishing I was dead and so on. Or, I pull away and make wrong accusations. I assume I'm being lied to again as I have so many times in the past. I assume, since I'm not good enough, that he wants someone else. I mean why wouldn't he. All this circles back to the mean things I say. I make accusations with nothing to back them up. He certainly gets defensive and upset, as he should. And, even though I go to hide in the bedroom, or if we are on the phone I simply hang up, he calls back. He keeps coming to me and showing me his love. I know I don't deserve that. He is perfection. His beautiful eyes hold me captivated, his voice brings me back from crazyland, his arms make me safe. He is grumpy as hell in the mornings, he doesn't always hear me (and why should he sometimes I whisper) he gets frustrated with me. He is perfection. 

I'm writing this before I draw a card for today. I am so filled with love and sometimes I get a sense of happiness, nothing but pure and simply happiness to the point where I can't stop smiling. I feel warm and gooey, and safe and most important I feel loved. 

Nov. 3, 2011 - King of Cups

I asked, what lesson do I need to learn today?

I was given...

The King of Cups

This King tells me to remain kind and not fear being open and emotional if the need arises. But, he can show passive aggressive tendencies and be manipulative because he hates conflict. I need to focus on being relaxed and just enjoying the time I have alive and watch out for either my own tendencies or those of others around me to avoid conflict. I hate passive aggressiveness very much. I sniff it out and call people on it quickly, but am I also behaving this way at times? If so, it must be very frustrating for those around me.